Fifty Shades of Grey: The Review

Welcome back, fans, back to the world of Twilight. Well, almost Twilight. We begin close to Forks, at Seattle. No sparkly vampires (definitely no fear of Sun), but you are assured of meeting lot of immaculate blondes and pale, white people. Apart from being breath-takingly handsome (what’s a love story without handsome folks? I mean really, who cares about values and morals? That’s so old school *rolling eyes*), and filthy rich (It is all about money people), Mr. Christian Grey (our Edward here) is fond of excessive control. Put in simple words, our dear Edward has been put in a business world, where else could he exercise so much control over people?
Let us meet the Cullens–er,the Greys. Well Mr and Mrs Grey had no children of their own, so they adopt. They adopt Christian–his mother had died shortly before, and poor fella, had no one of his own. Miss James could have given Edward a happier background here, but, that would have ripped apart the plot. Along with Christian, Elliot and Alice–sorry, Mia– were adopted. (Damn Miss James! You could have kept the names same, you know. Sorry? What? Oh yeah, right—copyright issue. I understand. I completely understand)
As you would have rightly guessed, Elliot like Emmett  is more friendly and outgoing. Christian has been reserved since the beginning, not letting anyone touch him, and is quite attached to his over-the-top crazy and fashionable sister, Mia. Christian has a lot of respect for his new parents, who are quite worried that he is lonely. See the pattern here?
However, Christian, who has been considered gay, has had 15 dom-sub relationship, the first one with his mom’s friend. Then comes Anastasia, the oh-so-smarter Bella, whom Christian Grey cannot resist. After many minutes of an interview that had been aptly placed to bring together, well both of them are smitten, but Ana doesn’t really agree, because she has “high ideals” for a man. Or so she thinks, until after some 100 pages of absolute nonsense, Ana semi-reluctantly agrees to trade her freedom and non-existent self respect to be with this oh-so-godly man. More specifically, to have some kinky fuckery with him, because he doesn’t make love.
Well, yes, Twilight without a hint of abstinence. That’s what you’d be reading. Starting the second book where Ana decides to walk out of what a normal person will call an abusive relationship, and then agrees to go back into an arrogmantic (Arrogantly romantic) relationship (a definite improvement) , it is all about–you want it? Go get it man, what you waiting for? There is more sex than there is conversation, because, well, this is how Christian communicates. And that totally makes sense–Edward had been celibate for 101 years. The passion must go somewhere.
So after 100 emails and texts, 50 sex scenes, 10 conversations, lots of “fair point well made” and  “we aim to please”, interruptions by a annoying subconscious goddess and some more control-freakery, Christian decides to marry Ana. After some unnecessary thinking, Ana agrees too. There is a villain(Who is Ana’s boss, but controlling Christian buys the publishing house, becoming his boss, and finally firing him for his perversion) who sabotages Christian’s helicopter, but that is irrelevant. Christian has enough money to be the master of the universe, so he is pretty secure. So is his family.
Christian’s family really loves Ana because she loves him and has changed him (it could be a relief that he isn’t gay, but I’m not making any presumptions here). Everything goes fine, except there are few “bitches”, Christian’s ex-dom,and an ex-sub. Very normal, you know, she was only his mother’s age, married and had an abusive relationship. He was grateful for that, as she brought his life into focus, and that helped him become a megalomaniac zillionaire. For all the respect for his mother, he continued a friendly relationship, which got busted when the ex-dom jealously confronted our Bella. So did Christian’s ex-sub, lethally, to see what was different. Christian handles this situation by giving the ex-sub a bath, and paying for her treatment. And college.
The third book begins with the marriage. Christian, who is under therapy, becomes caring and more controlling, jealous in a teeny sort of way. He watches her eat, watches her sleep, and follows her every waking moment. I mean, isn’t that adorable? There are some trivial discussions, Ana becomes more obedient to her fifty, also indulging further in the false-BDSM lifestyle. The villain comes in picture and goes out equally fast, so fast that you don’t even feel he is a threat. Ana has finally turned stronger, because she bore with Christian, and Christian, well, love sorted all his crankiness that emerged due to his past ghosts. The only flaw in this impeccable person is his extreme arrogance, but having a troubled past completely justifies it.

In the end, it is an idyllic scenario. Christian and Ana live happily ever after, with a son and a daughter. Elliot marries Ana’s best friend, Kate. Kate’s brother, Ethan and Mia have a fling, but E.L. James forget about that. Even Christian’s all time guard Taylor marries his all time house-help, Gail. Talk about coincidences.
And thus ends, the erotic trilogy that outsold Harry Potter on Amazon.
So will I suggest not to read this book? Not at all. No, no. It is pure 1396 pages of romanticized abuse. We aim to please.
And between Twilight and Fifty Shades? Well, I would suggest Twilight because it is the original fantasy, you know, and there are sparkling blood-sucking creatures and toned werewolves, the whole story seen through the eyes of the dullest character that has ever lived. No, no actually choose Fifty, there is lot of kinkiness to make up for the non-existent plot. And Ana is smarter, you know. But Christian, is so controlling that it would make your “palms twitch” to smack him right across his face…..Therefore, Twilight, except for the fact that Jacob falls in love with Bella’s daughter…ewww…..what’s the fascination with relationship between people who have the age difference equivalent to that of a parent and a child…no, I am not judging…Love happens at any age…

I don’t even know what I am talking about, now. Evidently, this trilogy has significantly lowered my IQ.
Laters baby,
Fully Frustated Reader of Trilogy, *Gasping* in disbelief of surviving it.